A Modest Proposal in Lieu of Vaccine Mandates

 

A MODEST PROPOSAL IN LIEU OF VACCINE MANDATES

It truly is a sad state of affairs that, as we re-open the world and emerge from our isolation, traveling across the block to the grocery or across the country to Orlando, we are still at risk from those selfish individuals who are determined not to be vaccinated.

As it turns out, the Covid-19 vaccine has proven ineffective to stop the spread of the Corona-virus disease, but I’ve been told it does lessen the severity of the infection should one get the virus from others, either vaccinated or not. So I cannot believe that others would want to put me or my loved-ones at risk by not getting vaccinated, even though, in truth, it only affects their own health. Mandates clearly have not worked to keep this land of the free from “spreaders.” Indeed, mandates seem to “poke the bear” or “stir the hive.” So, it is up to us knowing and learned individuals to take matters into our own, capable hands. One might ask “how else could we mitigate and banish this foul viral intruder?” With my plan, we can eradicate the cavalier non-conformists (and thus the virus) and quite possibly reverse the rising costs of food and horrific inflation that are destroying our economy. Win-Win.

I shall now therefore humbly propose my own thoughts, which I hope will not be liable to the least objection. I have been assured by a very knowing medical physician that one can only get Covid by breathing it in, not by ingesting it orally. And furthermore, the virus cannot sustain existence in temperatures in excess of 165 degrees Fahrenheit. (Any good cook knows this from their experience with turkey, chicken, fish, and even beef. I prefer a tender baby lamb humanely slaughtered, butchered and delicately roasted.)

So, I propose that we lure unsuspecting, easily fooled, under-educated, oft bargain-eager anti-vaxxers into traps, relieve them of their sad, worthless hospital-bed-hijacking existence, and cook them up. It would solve so many problems, including driving down the outrageous cost of beef. Have you seen those prices of late?

It’s well-known that the majority of this population shops at discount stores. Anyone over 40 will recall the “Blue Light Special” that made shopping so much fun at the now all but defunct K-Mart stores. For you youngsters, it was the original “Flash Sale.” A blue light would go on, an announcement would be made, and the cheapskates would flock like moths to the flame to claim their trophy sale. So, let’s bring this scenario back to harvest and flash-freeze the heretics. And I can assure you, lest we be besieged by any newly formed wing of PETA, all candidates will be stunned into unconsciousness prior to their “departure.” As-is, they’re likely already mostly unconscious. How else could anyone do something so unconscionable?

Yes, I hear you. “Why not have an anti-vaxx rally and scoop ‘em all up there?” –a few picket signs and voila—they’ll swarm like bees. The answer is quite simple: you could get stung! To mix metaphors, you might spook the heard. Should anyone in a crowd of great numbers suspect something is amiss, a stampede could prove more fatal than the virus itself. So, either doing a Craigslist “Ivermectin flash sale” announcement, or implementing a blue-light-special-like system in strategically located Walmarts would pay off handsomely.

The unvaccinated make a most delicious, nourishing and wholesome food, whether stewed, roasted, baked, or boiled; and I make no doubt that it will equally serve in a fricassee, or a ragout. With the popular onset of air-fryers, and sous vide among the likely more well-off, educated, all-knowing, vaccinated population, I believe a whole new gourmet form of sustenance can be realized and enjoyed. (I would dissuade the use of microwave preparation for you on-the-go, important, Wall-Street-types.) Relax. Paired with a good red wine, this can be like Thanksgiving everyday. It’s truly a sit-down feast. Because, it does not escape me that, in the United States, more than two thirds of the population is, at minimum, over-weight. A good half of those who do not have Pelotons are obese. Forgetting how we’ll triumph over the reduced impact on the over-burdened (albeit highly profitable) health-care system to sustain their ample girth, imagine the bounty as so many are plump and fat for a good table. Even an unvaccinated child will make two dishes at an entertainment for friends, and when the family dines alone, the fore or hind quarter will make a reasonable dish, seasoned with a little pepper or salt.

With the price of beef skyrocketing and out-of-reach from most anyone in the lower to middle-upper-class, this is more than an ideal solution. It’s downright ingenious. The meats (particularly the nether-regions) can be made into sausage links or hot dogs for the squeamish, but I’d like nothing more than to see a mouth-watering brisket on my barbie.

Now get this: With the advent of digital technologies involved in mobile applications (APPS) on smart phones that track, file, advise, clear, and sort humans in quick and convenient ways (thereby making Airbnb, Uber, Lyft, Doordash, and vaccine passports possible) we can explore another option which leaps over gathering and goes straight to “the hunt.” We can fit willing, vaccinated Doordash and Postmates drivers with an additional feature to their current APP which signals if a nearby pedestrian is un-vaxxed. Once confirmed and loaded into the tracker, a driver could safely run them over, pop them into the trunk, and “take them to dinner.”

And I dare say that this could create exciting new cooking and baking shows. The appetite for such fair is rampant as can be seen on networks ranging from Netflix to the no-less-than ten dedicated cooking channels. Imagine Guy Fieri slathering a robust, fresh carcass with exotic cheeses and home-grown hot sauces. His post mortem brine injection (irony intended) would surely render a melt-in-your-mouth, succulent dish. Emeril would say, “Ba-Bam!”

I’m certain we can get many celebrities on board as hosts or judges for the cooking shows. After all, their viral rage is televised daily. Jimmy Kimmel said that unvaccinated Covid patients don’t deserve hospital beds...”rest in peace, wheezy!” That is witty and so seriously funny. Howard Stern followed the same sentiment with, “Look, if you didn't get vaccinated [and] you got Covid, you don't get into a hospital.' Go fuck yourself.” Arnold Schwarzenegger, the Terminator himself (and former governor of the very spiritual and open-minded free state of California) announced, “Screw your freedom!”

I think the advantages by the proposal which I have made are obvious and many, as well as of the highest importance. Savvy readers who are avid movie enthusiasts might see this as a sort of “Soylent Green” solution. And this time, I think even Charlton Heston’s character would be “all in.” Serendipitously, “Soylent Green” actually took place in the dystopian “future” year of 2022! Let’s take back 2022 from dystopia and get this plan in action before it’s too late.

In order to head off any anti-vaccine-meat-hesitancy, I propose we set up sample stations throughout major cities, much like Trader Joe’s did before this foul pandemic. Once the unindoctrinated whiff the delicate aromas and sample the succulent, marinated spoils, I dare say any reticence will drop to zero. Bon Appétit!