Not surprising for Will Smith to steal the spotlight on Hollywood’s Highest Holy day, but hardly anyone remembers when Cecil B. DeMille thrust his knee into Laurence Olivier’s groin at the 21st Academy Awards Presentation. But even that pales in comparison to the time Pope Pius XIV clubbed Arch Bishop Leamus T. Gregorios upside the head on the highest holy day of the year, Easter Sunday. (Even bigger than the Academy Awards, according to theologians.) With a capacity congregation seated in the cathedral, no one could believe their eyes. So, in a way, it was a proof that miracles do occur – and in open view.
Historians admit that the account is somewhat sketchy as it was over 1700 years ago, but, apparently, the bishop, making a segue into the second reading, called out from the pulpit to the pontiff, saying, “Love that stole, P! ‘can’t wait to see the vibrant line of yurts it inspires this spring.” His eminence, wearing a bright purple and pink stole for the first time, was not amused. He stepped up onto the altar, took the papal ferula (pastoral staff) and whacked Gregorois upside the head. (There was a rumor that he followed it with a swat to his bum, thereby breaking Jesus’ foot off in his ass, but that was just a ridiculous, complete fabrication.)
The crucifer (a young, nubile boy who carried the cross during the processional) wasn’t sure what to do. One novitiate panicked and released black smoke from the chimney on the roof of the cathedral. That just confused the congregants (not to mention the crowds gathered outside the Vatican) even further.
“Sacrilege! Blasphemy!” screamed the pope, in stark contrast to almost everyone else. “I didn’t even know it was an insult,” said one devotee in attendance. “I really like the look of the chasuble and colorful Bedouin tents in general,” added Sister Mary Veraminta, wearing a modest black tunic, scapular, veil and gigantic white wimple in the 90 degree heat. “I should be so lucky to wear such flamboyant, colorful adornment.”
His holiness seemed to completely disregard that the altar is a symbol of the heart of Christ which deserves special reverence. He did, however, go on to serve communion 40 minutes later while “sort of” apologizing to the college of cardinals regarding his misuse of the papal regalia. He couldn’t actually apologize because, as he reminded everyone, his every action and utterance, like Will Smith’s, is infallible. He is a supreme teacher and cannot err in matters of morals. The college of cardinals claimed they just didn’t know what to do in the wake of the unprecedented violence that just never comes from followers of Christ. Astonishingly, they gave a standing ovation when the Supreme Vicar went ahead and successfully turned a common loaf of bread into the actual body of Christ.
In the week that followed, the college of cardinals and ecumenical council got together for an inquiry even though everyone in the massive congregation witnessed the events live. Finally, ten days later, ballots were secretly cast and smoke was again released, but it was a sort of magenta, which just confused everyone all the more. For his penance, the Pope was asked to say three “Hail Marys” and one “Act of Contrition.” Just as Sister Mary Whoopious predicted, “There’s no way we’re going to take away the holy, solid gold statue that he won at the Ecumenical Awards.” “He didn’t even have to do the rosary,” said one visibly upset congregant who was forced to recite the 59 prayers of the beaded device five times for whispering, “Holy Shit” when he witnessed the “mis-step.”
His Reverence, Pope Pius, released a statement about how he was called on to fiercely defend the church and spread love. “The Holy Spirit so moved me,” stated the Most Holy Rabbi. “I’m infallible. Nothing more to say.” He questioned why people were questioning the infallible and suggested that he was going to put into motion a gigantic inquisition of sorts.
Deacon Tiffanish Hadden, dressed in shiny red loafers and giant gold cross, stated, “For the longest time we have suffered name-calling and jokes on our vestments. I, for one, am delighted that His Magnificence defended our flamboyant outer wear.” Sister Mary Hedwig, dressed in her drab habit, did, however, give Hadden the stink eye.
We reached out to Dan Brown, but, as of this writing, he declined to comment as to whether he has a controversial mystery-suspense novel, to further embarrass Catholics and Opus Dei, in the works.
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