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We’re
sex swapping, culture switching, tradition canceling,
inappropriating, race-blending, gender-bending, melanating and
marinating beloved franchises, historical figures, and ancient
cultures. Selective
outrage and virtue signaling is our mission statement. We’ve heard
the cries of dozens, maybe hundreds of you out there. So, we're going to make-over La La Land!
Just
when the Western World was starting to go color blind, in the nick-of-time,
we’re appropriating, race-blending and gender bending beloved franchises and
ancient cultural stories. So much for "The Prime Directive"-- we're tampering with our own culture and history! A product of "Extreme Hollywood Makeover: Woke Edition."
“Beware the humorless, whether in person, institution, or belief system; it is always accompanied by an impulse to control and dominate, even if its proclaimed objective is to create prosperity or peace.” ~David R. Hawkins, Power vs. Force
A
MODEST PROPOSAL IN LIEU OF VACCINE MANDATES
It truly is a sad state of affairs that, as we re-open the world and emerge from our isolation, traveling across the block to the grocery or across the country to Orlando, we are still at risk from those selfish individuals who are determined not to be vaccinated.
As it turns out, the Covid-19 vaccine has proven ineffective to stop the spread of the Corona-virus disease, but I’ve been told it does lessen the severity of the infection should one get the virus from others, either vaccinated or not. So I cannot believe that others would want to put me or my loved-ones at risk by not getting vaccinated, even though, in truth, it only affects their own health. Mandates clearly have not worked to keep this land of the free from “spreaders.” Indeed, mandates seem to “poke the bear” or “stir the hive.” So, it is up to us knowing and learned individuals to take matters into our own, capable hands. One might ask “how else could we mitigate and banish this foul viral intruder?” With my plan, we can eradicate the cavalier non-conformists (and thus the virus) and quite possibly reverse the rising costs of food and horrific inflation that are destroying our economy. Win-Win.
I shall now therefore humbly propose my own thoughts, which I hope will not be liable to the least objection. I have been assured by a very knowing medical physician that one can only get Covid by breathing it in, not by ingesting it orally. And furthermore, the virus cannot sustain existence in temperatures in excess of 165 degrees Fahrenheit. (Any good cook knows this from their experience with turkey, chicken, fish, and even beef. I prefer a tender baby lamb humanely slaughtered, butchered and delicately roasted.)
So, I propose that we lure unsuspecting, easily fooled, under-educated, oft bargain-eager anti-vaxxers into traps, relieve them of their sad, worthless hospital-bed-hijacking existence, and cook them up. It would solve so many problems, including driving down the outrageous cost of beef. Have you seen those prices of late?
It’s well-known that the majority of this population shops at discount stores. Anyone over 40 will recall the “Blue Light Special” that made shopping so much fun at the now all but defunct K-Mart stores. For you youngsters, it was the original “Flash Sale.” A blue light would go on, an announcement would be made, and the cheapskates would flock like moths to the flame to claim their trophy sale. So, let’s bring this scenario back to harvest and flash-freeze the heretics. And I can assure you, lest we be besieged by any newly formed wing of PETA, all candidates will be stunned into unconsciousness prior to their “departure.” As-is, they’re likely already mostly unconscious. How else could anyone do something so unconscionable?
Yes, I hear you. “Why not have an anti-vaxx rally and scoop ‘em all up there?” –a few picket signs and voila—they’ll swarm like bees. The answer is quite simple: you could get stung! To mix metaphors, you might spook the heard. Should anyone in a crowd of great numbers suspect something is amiss, a stampede could prove more fatal than the virus itself. So, either doing a Craigslist “Ivermectin flash sale” announcement, or implementing a blue-light-special-like system in strategically located Walmarts would pay off handsomely.
The unvaccinated make a most delicious, nourishing and wholesome food, whether stewed, roasted, baked, or boiled; and I make no doubt that it will equally serve in a fricassee, or a ragout. With the popular onset of air-fryers, and sous vide among the likely more well-off, educated, all-knowing, vaccinated population, I believe a whole new gourmet form of sustenance can be realized and enjoyed. (I would dissuade the use of microwave preparation for you on-the-go, important, Wall-Street-types.) Relax. Paired with a good red wine, this can be like Thanksgiving everyday. It’s truly a sit-down feast. Because, it does not escape me that, in the United States, more than two thirds of the population is, at minimum, over-weight. A good half of those who do not have Pelotons are obese. Forgetting how we’ll triumph over the reduced impact on the over-burdened (albeit highly profitable) health-care system to sustain their ample girth, imagine the bounty as so many are plump and fat for a good table. Even an unvaccinated child will make two dishes at an entertainment for friends, and when the family dines alone, the fore or hind quarter will make a reasonable dish, seasoned with a little pepper or salt.
With the price of beef skyrocketing and out-of-reach from most anyone in the lower to middle-upper-class, this is more than an ideal solution. It’s downright ingenious. The meats (particularly the nether-regions) can be made into sausage links or hot dogs for the squeamish, but I’d like nothing more than to see a mouth-watering brisket on my barbie.
Now get this: With the advent of digital technologies involved in mobile applications (APPS) on smart phones that track, file, advise, clear, and sort humans in quick and convenient ways (thereby making Airbnb, Uber, Lyft, Doordash, and vaccine passports possible) we can explore another option which leaps over gathering and goes straight to “the hunt.” We can fit willing, vaccinated Doordash and Postmates drivers with an additional feature to their current APP which signals if a nearby pedestrian is un-vaxxed. Once confirmed and loaded into the tracker, a driver could safely run them over, pop them into the trunk, and “take them to dinner.”
And I dare say that this could create exciting new cooking and baking shows. The appetite for such fair is rampant as can be seen on networks ranging from Netflix to the no-less-than ten dedicated cooking channels. Imagine Guy Fieri slathering a robust, fresh carcass with exotic cheeses and home-grown hot sauces. His post mortem brine injection (irony intended) would surely render a melt-in-your-mouth, succulent dish. Emeril would say, “Ba-Bam!”
I’m certain we can get many celebrities on board as hosts or judges for the cooking shows. After all, their viral rage is televised daily. Jimmy Kimmel said that unvaccinated Covid patients don’t deserve hospital beds...”rest in peace, wheezy!” That is witty and so seriously funny. Howard Stern followed the same sentiment with, “Look, if you didn't get vaccinated [and] you got Covid, you don't get into a hospital.' Go fuck yourself.” Arnold Schwarzenegger, the Terminator himself (and former governor of the very spiritual and open-minded free state of California) announced, “Screw your freedom!”
I think the advantages by the proposal which I have made are obvious and many, as well as of the highest importance. Savvy readers who are avid movie enthusiasts might see this as a sort of “Soylent Green” solution. And this time, I think even Charlton Heston’s character would be “all in.” Serendipitously, “Soylent Green” actually took place in the dystopian “future” year of 2022! Let’s take back 2022 from dystopia and get this plan in action before it’s too late.
In order to head off any anti-vaccine-meat-hesitancy, I propose we set up sample stations throughout major cities, much like Trader Joe’s did before this foul pandemic. Once the unindoctrinated whiff the delicate aromas and sample the succulent, marinated spoils, I dare say any reticence will drop to zero. Bon Appétit!
Not surprising for Will Smith to steal the spotlight on Hollywood’s Highest Holy day, but hardly anyone remembers when Cecil B. DeMille thrust his knee into Laurence Olivier’s groin at the 21st Academy Awards Presentation. But even that pales in comparison to the time Pope Pius XIV clubbed Arch Bishop Leamus T. Gregorios upside the head on the highest holy day of the year, Easter Sunday. (Even bigger than the Academy Awards, according to theologians.) With a capacity congregation seated in the cathedral, no one could believe their eyes. So, in a way, it was a proof that miracles do occur – and in open view.
Historians admit that the account is somewhat sketchy as it was over 1700 years ago, but, apparently, the bishop, making a segue into the second reading, called out from the pulpit to the pontiff, saying, “Love that stole, P! ‘can’t wait to see the vibrant line of yurts it inspires this spring.” His eminence, wearing a bright purple and pink stole for the first time, was not amused. He stepped up onto the altar, took the papal ferula (pastoral staff) and whacked Gregorois upside the head. (There was a rumor that he followed it with a swat to his bum, thereby breaking Jesus’ foot off in his ass, but that was just a ridiculous, complete fabrication.)
The crucifer (a young, nubile boy who carried the cross during the processional) wasn’t sure what to do. One novitiate panicked and released black smoke from the chimney on the roof of the cathedral. That just confused the congregants (not to mention the crowds gathered outside the Vatican) even further.
“Sacrilege! Blasphemy!” screamed the pope, in stark contrast to almost everyone else. “I didn’t even know it was an insult,” said one devotee in attendance. “I really like the look of the chasuble and colorful Bedouin tents in general,” added Sister Mary Veraminta, wearing a modest black tunic, scapular, veil and gigantic white wimple in the 90 degree heat. “I should be so lucky to wear such flamboyant, colorful adornment.”
His holiness seemed to completely disregard that the altar is a symbol of the heart of Christ which deserves special reverence. He did, however, go on to serve communion 40 minutes later while “sort of” apologizing to the college of cardinals regarding his misuse of the papal regalia. He couldn’t actually apologize because, as he reminded everyone, his every action and utterance, like Will Smith’s, is infallible. He is a supreme teacher and cannot err in matters of morals. The college of cardinals claimed they just didn’t know what to do in the wake of the unprecedented violence that just never comes from followers of Christ. Astonishingly, they gave a standing ovation when the Supreme Vicar went ahead and successfully turned a common loaf of bread into the actual body of Christ.
In the week that followed, the college of cardinals and ecumenical council got together for an inquiry even though everyone in the massive congregation witnessed the events live. Finally, ten days later, ballots were secretly cast and smoke was again released, but it was a sort of magenta, which just confused everyone all the more. For his penance, the Pope was asked to say three “Hail Marys” and one “Act of Contrition.” Just as Sister Mary Whoopious predicted, “There’s no way we’re going to take away the holy, solid gold statue that he won at the Ecumenical Awards.” “He didn’t even have to do the rosary,” said one visibly upset congregant who was forced to recite the 59 prayers of the beaded device five times for whispering, “Holy Shit” when he witnessed the “mis-step.”
His Reverence, Pope Pius, released a statement about how he was called on to fiercely defend the church and spread love. “The Holy Spirit so moved me,” stated the Most Holy Rabbi. “I’m infallible. Nothing more to say.” He questioned why people were questioning the infallible and suggested that he was going to put into motion a gigantic inquisition of sorts.
Deacon Tiffanish Hadden, dressed in shiny red loafers and giant gold cross, stated, “For the longest time we have suffered name-calling and jokes on our vestments. I, for one, am delighted that His Magnificence defended our flamboyant outer wear.” Sister Mary Hedwig, dressed in her drab habit, did, however, give Hadden the stink eye.
We reached out to Dan Brown, but, as of this writing, he declined to comment as to whether he has a controversial mystery-suspense novel, to further embarrass Catholics and Opus Dei, in the works.
Studies have shown that, in fact, every person who answers “YES” to the query: “Do you accept Jesus Christ as your personal Lord and Savior?” has meticulously read, studied, and understood just what that entails. Just as no one would ever be foolish enough to tick that ubiquitous box that reads “I have read and accept all of the terms and conditions” on SPOTIFY or every/any other APP or service without first scrutinizing their rights and obligations, I would never “hand over” my power without complete awareness of exactly what that means.
“Just what does that mean,” queried our investigative reporter. “Um, well, uh,” was a common response. “People really should read the fine print and be prepared to know what they stand for and are getting into,” said Pastor Goldblum at St. Mary’s Temple of the Perpetually Perplexed.
When caught breaching their agreement, several Christians have been kicked out and even banished to eternal suffering in hell. Take for example how “vengeance is mine saith the lord” is a policy strictly adhered to. No Christian would ever be caught passing judgment or punishment on a brother or sister. People think the “Inquisition” was a real thing, but there’s no way that could ever have even been a thing in light of these terms and conditions.
It is righteous to execute criminals who clearly do not accept nor follow the Lord’s commandments like “Thou Shalt not kill.” If someone does that, they should be killed. That’s why the crusades were so important and everyone was given the chance to join up or die. Of course, before even Jesus came along, the world’s very first terms and conditions were known as “The Ten Commandments.”
Once the people read through the entire agreement and accepted those terms, there was no adultery or coveting or anything. Of course, the New Testament had a lot more clauses, but any God-fearing Christian will know that contract down to the smallest of details.
The diminishing-in-numbers but still savvy home-viewers of the Academy Awards broadcast this year noticed that the show installed a whole new extra special upper elite luxury section in the front of the auditorium where the likes of Will and Jada Smith were seated. Somewhat similar to ultra-high-end box seats gifted to the uber-class at sporting events, this stunning move really set apart the polished from the merely “highly washed” masses in attendance at the ceremony which not only awards the mega-rich, Hollywood elite, but gives some occasional awards to the “nouveau célèbre,” seated in the far, far back.
“What we are trying to do,” said one Academy member, “is distinguish between the haves and the have-it-alls.” “We purposely wanted to segregate the attendees,” said another member of the all black production team, installed as a victory for diversity. “It was a brilliant move,” said a spokesperson for a popular Hollywood insider journal. “They segregated the rich and famous from the super rich and world-famous. Previously, they only had a sort of front-of-the-bus, back-of-the-bus thing going.” It really put those attendees in the back of the second balcony “in their rightful place.” We asked the people in the nose-bleed seats for comments, but most just replied, “I hope to be there someday.”
“Only the A-list, like Steven Spielberg, familiar with lists from directing ‘Schindler’s List,’ are worthy of such an honor.” In order to install the section where only a few dozen ultra-class legends could be seated, hundreds of regular (albeit previously sought-after orchestra section seats) had to be removed. “It was great because a lot of other people who think they deserve to be at the awards could no longer fit in, literally and figuratively. You know, all the people who the winners thank because the movie could never have been made without them. Those people. Let’s face it. They are NOT at the top-of-the-food-chain nor award winners. That title is reserved as special and truly means something.”
Surely, everyone must agree, it’s an honest and accurate reflection of society. Only the top .1% should take the spoils and real estate of the rest. These people literally should “Get a seat at the table.” The others clearly haven’t done enough or aren’t talented enough (or know enough “right people”) to get that seat. “Do you want to trample on the American public’s hopes and dreams? Let’s face it, they mostly tune in thinking that someday they will have a seat at the front table. And Hollywood is in the dream-making business.”
